Trust me, I'm still screaming.

And yet you still can't seem to hear. A continuous collection of smudged screens and illiterate ink.

Welcome to my never ending therapy session.

My name is Bianca. I am fourteen years old. I have no idea what I'm doing.

(I have a kik under the same username, even though I don't use it often. Talk to me there if you prefer. I'd love to hear from you.)

  1. You are stronger than you realise.
  2. You are crueller than you realise.
  3. The smallest words will break your heart.
  4. You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
  5. People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
  6. You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
  7. You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
  8. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
  9. Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
  10. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
  11. You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
  12. Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
  13. You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
  14. Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
  15. You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
  16. You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
  17. You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
  18. Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
  19. People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
  20. You will be okay.
  21. You will be okay.

—   21 things my father never told me  (via ckings)

(Source: ohthativy, via justanotherforgottenpoet)

“Is it strange to realize that these days will be our stories? Is it cliche? These will be our stories and our parents have stories like these, but they don’t tell them to us. And maybe our parents don’t even tell each other because maybe they don’t remember days like these or maybe they never thought they were all that important. They are though. The summer days and the bonfires and the love for so many people and so many things. The standing on the edge of so much and being so ready to jump, but so, so afraid. You will never tell your children about that feeling on these days because you won’t be able to. You won’t remember it when you wake up tomorrow, let alone decades from now. Even if you write it down, you can’t quite capture it. It is strange to realize that today is your story. It is cliche. So go ahead, live your story and then let it curl up inside you and stay forever or bleed out of you when it is ready.”

—   "Your Story" by Claire Luisa (via claireluisa)

(Source: claireluisa, via claireluisa)

“If a poem hasn’t ripped apart your soul; you haven’t experienced poetry.”

—   Edgar Allan Poe (via seven-minds)

(Source: letteratura-litterature, via anothervoice7secrets7)

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

—   Anaïs Nin, Incest: From a Journal of Love (via feellng)

(via mermaidsbite)

“1) When your trainee fails, repeatedly let them know how disappointed you are with them. That you expected so much more from them and how much they have let you down by not being better than they are.
2) Conversely, when your trainee succeeds, allow your jealousy to get the better of you and minimize their achievement with disinterest, disdain and ridicule.
3) Alternate steps one and two at maddening intervals. It is important for your trainee to learn that when they fail, they fail but, also, when they succeed, they fail as well.
4) Keep your trainee on edge. Surprise them with a hysteric meltdown at the most insignificant detail or by being absurdly jaunty and friendly when they have made a large and obvious mistake.
5) Teach your trainee that the easiest way to win your love, attention and affection is by screwing up as spectacularly as possible.
6) Make sure to infuse your trainee with guilt and shame over the fact that they do not feel safe or comfortable in your presence. The goal, of course, is for the trainee to equate looking after their own needs and safety with selfishness.
7) If your trainee creates something beautiful, imaginative or brilliant, destroy it. Preferably, right in front of them so they can see it.
8) Make sure your trainee understands that their feelings, whatever they may be, are a nuisance and a burden to you. Make them understand that normal people just don’t feel those types of things and that if they cared at all, they would not feel them either.
9) Make sure your trainee knows that you are brittle and delicate and that your happiness and well being is based entirely on their behavior. Just make sure to never let them know exactly which behaviors will keep you smiling and which will send you off on a tirade.
10) Be patient. It may take many, many years to reap the benefits of your training. Some stubborn individuals can struggle far into adulthood before their training ultimately succeeds. If you follow steps 1-10 religiously, however, chances are extremely good that you will achieve the desired result.”

—   

Max Mundan, How to Train a Suicide in Ten Easy Steps

© David Rutter 2014

Follow me on twitter @dmr226

(via maxmundan)

“Your silence is
More deafening than
I could have ever imagined.”

—   (via theglycoprotein)

“My knuckles are bruised
And when people ask me what happened
I make up an excuse.
Because I am too ashamed to admit
That I didn’t know what else to do
When I found out you were gone.”

—   Bruised Knuckles (Jaymee)

(via poetry-mania)

“we draw lines in the sand and then we cross them.
your skin is all ink. poetry and bite marks. temporary tattoos, stolen glances, hickeys on your thighs.
don’t worry. it all fades eventually.
we sit on opposite sides of the world. we sit. we freeze. we freeze and we freeze and we kiss until we are ablaze.
beneath my fingers, i can feel your heart beating. i can feel your heart stopping. my skin is icy july and burning december nights and my mouth is bruised from yours and loving and dying are all the same, i think.
when you are young, you love.
when you are young, that love burns out like a dying sun.
when you are young, you turn your heart over to the stars.
she still lingers on my lips. i do not want her to stay there. i want every last morsel to slip between my teeth. chew. swallow.
this is the last supper. somewhere in this room, there is a judas. she will kiss me and i will think she is a messiah. sometimes we forget the difference.
sometimes it’s all the same thing.”

—   how loving her feels. (via poppyflowerpoetry)

“Do not tell me it is beautiful that I was once broken.
If anything, say it is beautiful that I am healing.”

—   Romanticizing gets you nowhere. (via poppyflowerpoetry)

1. You will spend most of your childhood dreaming about how badly you want to be a teenager. You will think that being sixteen is the best age you can be, that you’re almost free, that you will have nights full of sneaking out, partying, having fun. You will think high school will be like the movies, you’ll have two best friends that are more like siblings and amazing things will happen. When it doesn’t. So enjoy your childhood, enjoy every ounce of excitement on Christmas Eve, enjoy dressing up on Halloween, enjoy your mama always being there to kiss you when you fall. Enjoy life without worries. I wish I had, because it goes by too fast.

2. One day you will meet a boy, who says all the right things, tell you how beautiful you are, tells you that he can’t live without you. You’ll be fourteen, untouched, unloved, and you will believe it. You will think just because he touches your skin once will mean he will stay forever, when he’s just staying long enough to get in your bed. Don’t let him ruin you.

3. He will leave. He will leave and you will be fine without him. You think it’s the end of the world, you think you’re never going to love again. But you’re wrong sweetie, the world will go on turning, and life will go on living. You will soon stop crying, and your heart will stop aching. Before you know it the boy you couldn’t live without, will be the boy you can’t stand to see or hear about.

4. The first time you try alcohol, it probably won’t be because you really want to. It will be pushed in your face and finally you will take a sip and want to spit it out. You’ll realize this stuff isn’t that good at all, people just drink to forget the shit in life, to pretend they are the shit.

5. The person who’s your best friend now probably won’t be next year. People change like the season’s and most the time they become cold like a winter’s day. You will be back stabbed, you will be lied to, you will be hurt. You will lose the one person who helped you through a lot, but you will learn to that trust is sometimes made to be broken. The one who use to look at you and smile, will look right through you like you’re someone they’ve never met.


6. High School isn’t forever, even though a day there seems like it is. It’s going to go by fast, one day you’ll walk in a freshman, and walk out graduated. It will fill you up with stress, anxiety, and make you feel like you’re not good enough. There will be days you feel like you’ll never finish a book report, and nights you’ll stay up till 1 a.m. studying. Once you’re a senior it really starts to hit you, after this year you’re done. Real life will smack you in the face, and most the time we aren’t prepared for it. But it will be okay. You will be okay.

—   i.c. // Things I’ve Learned Being a Teenager Part 1 (via delicatepoetry)

happymonk:

if you are
reading this
lucky you

you exist

“The reason I don’t hold my gaze
when I look into your eyes
is because I’ve already
got them memorized,
I’ve formed this habit of
trying to learn something new
every time I look at you,
and today I learned that
you get crow lines when you smile
and your forehead wrinkles
in three places when you raise
your eyebrows with that
confused look of yours,
there’s a microscopic dimple
on the lower left side of your lip,
and your ears unconsciously move
slightly upward when you talk.
There is still so much of you
that I want to know
and miles of skin that
I want to discover.”

—   More of you (by Jai R.)

“tremble.
i can’t think of you without my whole body trembling in fear.
six months.
it’s been sixth months and i still see you in the shadows.
laughter.
fuck, your laughter. i always thought the screams would have been worse, but your laughter keeps coming back to me.
midnight.
i don’t know what time exactly i met you, just that it was late and the air smelled like tequila. i’d like to think it was midnight. i can’t remember the last time i was asleep before midnight.
glass.
shattered glass. everything you threw at me wound up on the floor as shattered glass. you walked out and i wound up on the floor as shattered glass. blood and scars everywhere i turn. i’ve forgotten how it feels to heal.
you.
it always come backs to you. you. you. you. you’re all i can think about, your face burns on the back of my closed eyelids when i can’t fall asleep. you’re everywhere. you’re everything. everything but mine.”

—   Missing you is the only thing that hurts worse than loving you. (via poppyflowerpoetry)

“I am drowning
In my mind
And they tell me to
Just Breathe.
As if
It were ever
That easy.”

—   M.S. (via coffee-crinkled-pages)

When that mailbox lights up, love.
It means someone has forgotten how
to forget me. It means someone has
remembered even. Thought of me. In some
small crevice of their mind. They took
the time to compose a carefully constructed
message, and even took the effort to hit
“Send.” I am so addicted to being
remembered.

As though my ego is something fragile.
Starved, even. Whether good or bad,
or normal, someone has thought of me.
I am someone. I exist as an icon or
a contact on someone’s phone. I am
more than simply floating about
in the universe. So much more than
simply some drifter.

I am remembered. Time stamped. Coded.
Someone has thought of me.

—   "On Instant Gratification" by Radha Kistler (via floatinginthethoughtstreams)

(via lostandfoundfiction)